THE TWELVE KINDS OF LOVE |
According to gender and our different emotional needs |
If you are a woman, understand that men (and boys) are like this: | If you are a man, understand that women (and girls) are like this: |
1. He needs trust When you positively believe that he is doing his best for you and that he wants the best for you (even though he seems not too close to you), and your attitude is open and receptive toward his intention and motivation, he feels trusted. Then he becomes more caring and attentive to your feelings and needs. | 1. She needs caring When you show your interest in her feelings and heartfelt concern for her well-being, she feels loved and cared for. Ask her what went on today with lots of questions. When she freely expresses things one by one, she sorts them out, releases her hurt, and feels relaxed. If you, however, are not ready to listen to her, tell her you will be back to listen to her. She begins to trust you more. |
2. He needs acceptance When you lovingly accept his imperfection as the way he is without giving him any advice, but with trust that he will make his own improvement, it affirms that he is being favorably received. Then it is much easier for him to listen and give you the understanding you need. | 2. She needs understanding When you listen to her without judgment but with empathy and relatedness to the expression of her feelings, she feels heard and understood. You do not presume to already know her thoughts or feelings; instead, you gather meaning from what she says, and move toward validating those thoughts and feelings. |
3. He needs appreciation When you acknowledge having received personal benefit and value from his efforts and behavior, like saying, “Thanks for listening,” he feels appreciated. Without hearing your acknowledgement, he does not feel appreciated. When he knows his effort is useful to you, he will be encouraged to give you more. | 3. She needs respect When you respond to her in a way that acknowledges and prioritizes her rights, wishes, and needs, she feels respected. When you let her talk about her thoughts and feelings in great detail, without focusing on fixing her problems, you make her feel special. Create concrete action in relation to her important occasions. She is sure to feel respected, and appreciate you. |
4. He needs admiration When you regard him with wonder, delight, and pleased approval, he feels admired. When his unique characteristics or talents amaze you, he feels secure enough to devote himself to you and adore you. | 4. She needs devotion When you give priority to her needs and proudly commit yourself to support and fulfil her, she thrives, because she feels adored and special. When you pay full attention to her while listening, you make her feelings and needs more important than your other interests-like work, study, and recreation. When she feels that she is number one in your life, then quite easily, she admires you. |
5. He needs approval When your approving attitude recognizes or looks for the good reasons behind what he does, and acknowledges the goodness in him and expresses overall satisfaction with him, he feels he is your hero. (Remember, giving approval to him doesn’t always mean agreeing with him.) When he receives the approval he needs, it becomes easier for him to validate your feelings. | 5. She needs validation When you accept her feelings and wants without objecting to or arguing with her, and confirm their validity, she truly feels love, because she is sure she has a right to feel the way she does. (It is important to remember you can validate her point of view while having a different point of view.) When you validate what she feels without correcting rationally or offering solutions to fix her problems, you are assured of getting her approval. |
6. He needs encouragement When you express confidence in his abilities and character, it gives him hope and courage. When your attitude expresses trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, and approval it encourages him to be all that he can be. Feeling encouraged motivates him to give you loving reassurance. | 6. She needs reassurance When you repeatedly show that you care, understand, respect, validate and are devoted to her, she is sure to feel she is continually loved. Remember to assure her again and again. |
We need all of 12 kinds in the end, but there are priorities. Which ones do you prioritize?
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